i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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