I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
