Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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