there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I need to calm my uterus...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
