he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
