she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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