oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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