She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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