I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize