Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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