I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
