This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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