I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
