i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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