Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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