Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
