I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize