There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
