he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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