What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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