Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
