I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
