my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
