Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
