I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
