hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
