Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize