If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize