I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
