I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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