My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
