what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
