the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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