woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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