Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
