Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
