My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
