I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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