No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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