So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
