I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
