She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
