I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
