if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
