no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
a search helicopter?!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
