I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
