Whod you bang
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
