I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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