JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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