I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
