nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
