I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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