Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sorry about my life...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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