Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
