She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
